Inside Down, Upside Out
by becka
Summary: Slash. Buffy / Harry Potter crossover. Giles and willow take Xander to England to try and heal his eye. He meets Snape, then Lucius. Things balance out.
1. Yin and Yang 01

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka  
Pairing: Snape/Xander/Lucius

Crossover: Buffy, the Vampire Slayer / Harry Potter

Spoilers: Up to and including the final season.

Warnings: Angst, Crossover, Dark, Language, OOC?, Xander-torture, Violence, Yoai/Slash.

Disclaimer: Buffy, the Vampire Slayer does not belong to Becka; characters are used without permission for a non-profit purpose. No infringement is intended.

This challange was issued by Oreocat. My muse got a hold of it, and it all went downhill from there. I believe Oreocat intended this to be a cute sort of fic. My muse, however, does not do cute. Blame her. I will, however, admit that this story __is__ total fluff. It's trashy, cheap, and the one thing that sets it apart from truly bad fanfic is the fact that I know how to spell and use grammatically correct sentences.

o

There is a dark. There is a light. These two elements balance one another in perfect harmony. Without the dark, there can be no light. Without the light, there can be no dark. This principle is simple, inherent, and flawless. Light would be blinding without the dark. Dark would be blindness without the light. Where there is one, there is the other, because there is a need for it to be so.

People forget that, sometimes.

God cast Lucifer from heaven. He created the dark; he understood. Lucifer gave up the light so that balance could be restored. He understood, as well. The Yin and the Yang. For every good, there is an evil. For every evil, there is a good. There's a bit of both in each, and it balances. This is reflected in all of God's creatures; this is evident in all of Lucifer's demons. Even man serves his place because he walks the fine line of choice. His thoughts and his heart, his soul and his body. He is the balance in perfection.

In the heart of every man is the embodiment of desire. In his thoughts is the balance of order. The body is corporeal. The soul is ethereal. The body may die, but the soul will live on. The Yin and the Yang. The balance of power.

However, people forget that. They see black and white, and then get lost in the shades of gray between.

They also forget that this balance is physical, achievable. It can be manifested in reality. But as always, there must be equilibrium. To achieve the corporeal form of balance, one must gain it in the ethereal realm first. The road is long, the paths are many, but the reward is given wholly and completely.

Many know of this, many desire it, but they cannot achieve it. This is balance.

To gain enlightenment, one must be truly ignorant. This is perfection.

The Yin and the Yang.

The Soldier and the Beast.

These balance. These negate.

All that is left is the shadows.

I am the Shadow.

I am the Balance.

I am neither Yin nor Yang, because I have transcended.

I am the Shadow.

My name is Xander Harris.

o


	2. Kindled

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 1: Kindled

o

Xander yawned, watching the trees and houses blend into a giant blur. Train-rides had a nasty tendency to bore him, and slowly he closed his eye, content to simply listen to Giles and Willow talk.

"So, like, we own a house here?" Willow's voice was an excited squeak.

Giles sighed and there was a pause in which Xander just __knew__ he was polishing his glasses. "I've told you all of this before, Willow. As a small gesture of the Council's gratitude for our years of assistance in saving the world, and their joy for having hundreds of Slayers, they have allotted each of us a small estate as well as a small fortune in each of our bank accounts. So," the Englishman said softly, "We don't own a house. We __each__ own an estate, as well as the means to retire comfortably for the rest of our lives."

Willow squealed, "Coolness!"

The Englishman laughed, "To put it mildly. This particular house is mine, and I'm very much looking forward to seeing it. All of our estates are located just outside of London, so we can stop by and see both yours and Xander's if you'd like."

"__So__ liking."

They chatted a bit longer about the estates when finally Willow whispered, "I think he's asleep."

"It appears so," Giles replied softly.

_/Score!/_ Xander thought.

"Do you think this is going to work? I mean, I don't want him to feel like we're leading him on or anything," the concern in the redhead's voice was evident.

"I've heard there are more wizards in England than the rest of the world combined, Willow." The Watcher sighed, "If we can't help him restore his eye, there must be someone here who can. And I don't care how long it takes - we __will__ find them."

Xander resisted the urge to sigh himself. It had been sometime last week that Willow had finally given up on trying to restore his eye, and rather than admit defeat, she'd cooked up some hare-brained notion about traveling to England and searching for a cure there. Surprisingly, Giles had not only approved of the idea, but had offered to arrange the trip, as well as accompany them.

Not wanting to appear ungrateful, Xander had agreed. He figured it best not to mention that even if they __did__ find some sort of cure, he wasn't interested in the least. It was one of the things he willingly gave up when he realized what he was, and it balanced him: one normal, mortal eye to see the physical world, and one extraordinary, spiritual eye to see the ethereal world. It was a fair trade-off.

Willow didn't know about that, though. Informing her, or anyone, of what he was would be stupid, and would ultimately lead to consequences he simply wasn't prepared to deal with.

So he let her try to cure him. It would never work, and it made her feel better, so what was the harm?

He let his mind wander away from the conversation which had turned to spell ingredients and magical reagents, the sort of things that Xander hadn't a clue about, and decided to enjoy his time in England. He'd never been anywhere outside of the States before, and even if they were here "on business," he promised himself that he'd have a good time.

o

The three of them stared with wide eyes at the towering mansion that __was__ Giles' "estate." It was eerily beautiful, and looked to have been built at least one hundred years beforehand. The area around the estate consisted of at least three acres on all sides, with gorgeous flowerbeds and trees and a system of stone walkways for anyone to stroll. It looked like something out of a fairytale.

Apparently, the Council had forgotten to tell Giles his estate also came with servants - they passed several gardeners on the way in, and a butler greeted them at the door. When asked, the butler - Jeremy - promptly responded that there were three maids, two handymen, and an excellent chef who wanted to be informed what time the master - Giles blushed at that - wanted dinner served.

Upon further questioning, the butler revealed that each of the servants was a part of the estate. They lived there and had been more than happy to stay even before the Council provided each of them a generous stipend every month. Jeremy had proceeded to showcase the entire estate, including a library that had both Willow and Giles drooling, and a lounge with a wide screen television and a pool table that made Xander more than happy.

After all of the Giles' affairs had been put in order, he and Willow made a hasty retreat to the library to begin researching. Xander also excused himself and headed for the lounge.

Nearly two hours later, the dark-haired man felt like his head was ready to explode. British comedy was going to take some getting used to. He was completely sick of playing pool as well, and he decided to stop by the library and see how Willow and Giles were doing.

That was the plan until he found himself hopelessly lost. It took him a good twenty minutes of wandering around until he bumped into one of the maids who was kind enough to lead him to the library.

"Hey, G-man!" Xander exclaimed, throwing the massive doors open.

"Xander," the Englishman replied. He promptly shoved a list and a thick envelope into the dark-haired man's hands and said, "Would you be kind enough to take a trip to London and look for those?"

Blinking, Xander browsed the list, which appeared to consist of nothing but magical ingredients. "__Unicorn__ horn?" he said disbelievingly. "Beetle __eyes__? __Phoenix__ feathers? __Dragon's__ liver?" He shook his head, "Look, G-man, eye of newt and toe of frog is one thing, but isn't this stuff a little..." He paused, looking for the right word. "... __extreme__?"

"Yes, yes," Giles waved his hand carelessly. "I realize that you probably won't be able to find most of what's on there, and even if you do, the cost is bound to be 'extreme' as you put it, but we're doing this for you. I thought you'd jump at the chance to help."

Xander sighed. "Fine, fine, I'll go. How am I supposed to pay for this stuff?"

Giles indicated the envelope. "There's ten thousand dollars in that envelope. Also, if you happen to see something you like, don't hesitate to buy it. Two thousand of that is yours."

The dark-haired man nearly dropped the envelope in shock. "Um... 'kay. I'll see you later on tonight." He quickly left, and Giles turned once more to his books.

o

It was still early when Xander arrived in London, and he had to admit, it felt good to be up and about on his own. Some of the stares he got bothered him a little, but if they thought his eye-patch was strange, he didn't want to know how they'd react to the gaping hole in his face where his eye had been.

He bit back a smile, resisting the urge to flip the eye patch up. Giles wouldn't be happy if he started terrorizing the natives.

Speaking of Giles, the other man had shocked the hell out of him with that little stunt earlier. Ten __thousand__ dollars, just to try to fix his eye? And the older man had just __given__ him two thousand right off the bat? Still, if Giles had that much trust in him, he'd be damned if he didn't bring back at least half of the ingredients on the list, no matter __how__ strange they were.

Opening his inner eye, he felt a strange surge of mystical power barely ten feet away from him. Blinking, Xander stared at the tiny, rundown building he could have __sworn__ wasn't there a minute ago. Glancing at the sign, he read aloud, "The Leaky Cauldron. Huh."

None of the people who milled around him seemed to even see it was there, and it was sending his magical "radar" off the chart. Shrugging, he supposed that it would be as good a place as any to begin his search.

Xander opened the door and stepped inside, curiously scanning the building purposefully. It seemed like a fairly dark, slightly dingy pub. Several older men and women were scattered haphazardly along the bar and tables, sipping their drinks and nursing their bottles. The buzz of conversation died off the minute he entered and he heard a few disbelieving mutters of, "Muggle!"

"Um," the dark-haired man said, addressing the entire group, "I'm sorry about this, but I'm from America, you see, and I was looking for the nearest shop to pick up some phoenix feathers and a couple of other ingredients. Do you think you could help me out?"

There was a unanimous sigh of relief and a short, balding man in a black robe walked over to him and said, "Gave us quite a scare there, boy. Comin' in here, dressed like a muggle!"

"Sorry," Xander responded, wondering what a muggle was.

"That the style over in America, is it?"

"Yeah," he said. Impulsively, he continued, "Helps us to blend in, y'know?"

"Ah! Thought that might be the case. Anyway, you've come to the right place. Diagon Alley's right back here." The tiny man led him out the back to a small, walled courtyard. He leaned over to one of the walls and began to count the bricks.

_/Great,/_ Xander thought. _/My first day here and I walk into the loony bin!/_

"Two down, and three..." The man nodded, then pulled out a slender stick and tapped one of the bricks with it three times.

A strange thing happened then. Xander watched in awe as the wall began to rearrange itself until it changed into a giant archway. Beyond he saw people of all shapes and sizes, wearing robes, and shopping at some of the most bizarre stores he'd ever seen. Having grown up on the Hellmouth, that was saying quite a bit.

"Our own Diagon Alley," the tiny man said proudly. "Enjoy your stay in England."

Xander stepped through the archway, and then turned to thank the man. To his surprise, the archway had already sealed itself shut behind him, leaving Xander to stare at the blank wall.

Turning back to the shops, the dark-haired man realized he had no idea where to begin. He did notice that many people were staring at him, and he figured it was probably because he dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He'd have to get himself a robe if he wanted to avoid attention.

A small building to his left caught his attention, and he glanced at the sign_. /Muggle Money Exchange, huh? Well, if these people use a different currency, I'd better get some. Last thing I need is to pull out a couple of American dollars and alienate myself even __more__./_

After careful debate, he'd exchanged seven thousand dollars and kept the other three in cash. He figured that if he needed to, he could always exchange more, but he wanted to have something to fall back on just in case. Xander tested the weight of the heavy pouch they'd given him and wondered if seven hundred Galleons was a lot of money.

Another store caught his eye and he read, "Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions." It seemed like, whoever these people were, they were into really long and descriptive names. Not that he minded; it was much easier to figure out what stores sold.

A plump woman who he assumed was Madam Malkin greeted him as he walked in. "What can I do for you, dear?"

"Um... a robe would be nice. Black?" he stuttered.

"Hm." She gave him an appraising look and led him to the back of the shop. "Where are you from, dear. You're dressed like a Muggle!"

"America," he said, sticking to his cover story. "We try to blend in over there."

"Ah, that's it, then," Madam Malkin said, nodding. "Hop up on the stool, dear, and we'll have you fitted right away." She waved her hand at one of the footstools, and before he knew it, she'd slipped a black robe over his head and started to pin it to the proper length.

"There you go," she smiled warmly. "You can keep the robe on and pay up at the front."

Surprisingly, the robe was only three Galleons, and thankfully, when he started to browse the shops again, no one even looked at him twice. It was a big relief.

Another shop, Ollivanders, caught his eye. He read the fine print curiously. "Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C., hm?" _/Well,/_ he reasoned, _/That guy back at the Leaky Cauldron used a wand to open the passage to here, and Giles is bound to send me out for more ingredients some time. I might as well get a wand so I can come back here whenever I want.../_

Mr. Ollivander greeted him at the door with a small smile. "Well now," he said to Xander, "You look to be a challenge. Come in, come in."

Xander entered cautiously, peering through the dank room as best he could. There were boxes lining every shelf, and a small, wooden desk in the middle of the room. Mr. Ollivander pushed a wand into his hands before he could blink, and the dark-haired man asked, "What am I supposed to do?"

"Swish it around a bit, my boy." Irritation was plain in the man's voice.

Xander did so, feeling like a fool, and nothing happened. After a moment, the man replaced it with another wand, then another. None of them gave him any sort of response.

Just when the dark-haired man had given up hope, Ollivander handed him a long, dark, thin wand. As he waved it, fireworks seemed to erupt in the air, sparkling around him, and he laughed.

"Well, well," Mr. Ollivander said, "I suppose I should have seen __that__ coming."

"What?" Xander asked, still staring at the wand.

"Eleven inches, yew, solid. That particular wand has the heartstrings of a dragon as its core. Very old, very powerful. Dragons are like that, you see. Powerful, and protective."

"How much do I owe you?" Xander said finally.

"Nine Galleons, even."

Xander paid him, nodded his thanks, and tucked the wand in his robe as he left. Mr. Ollivander smiled to himself and whispered, "That particular dragon was one of the greatest dragons that ever lived and the last of his race. He was known as the Shadow Dragon, Mr. Harris. __That__ is why I should have known." He shook his head, then set about helping his next customer.

o

Xander was having a blast. There were things he'd never imagined possible in almost every shop he visited, and he made good use of the money Giles had given him. As he figured it, two hundred of those Galleons were his.

He picked up several interesting books at a small shop called Flourish and Blotts. Two of them were about the history of wizardry, one was about a famous school called Hogwarts, and the other three he bought were spell books for beginners. He figured he'd probably have to hide them from Giles and Willow, but it would be worth it. Near as he could tell, __none__ of them required spell components or ritual chanting, like all of the spells he'd seen Willow do. All __these__ spells consisted of two or three foreign words, a wave of his wand, and that was it!

After he counted his change, he still had a good one hundred and twenty Galleons left, so he bought himself some really nice papers, a set of quills, and a set of multicolored inks from Parchment&Quills, a small, collapsible cauldron from Granny B's Cauldron Depot, and a set of crystal phials, and a set of brass scales from the corner shop.

Best of all, he'd found __everything__ on Giles' list with the exception of "a pinch of dried asliwyle." Xander had __no__ idea what to do for that one. He didn't even know was an "asliwyle" was!

There was one shop he hadn't checked - the Apothecary shop. He figured if he looked hard enough, he could probably find some in there. The only problem was that the shop was so tiny and jam-packed full of bizarre reagents that it was almost impossible to walk through it, much less look for something.

After nearly a half-hour of searching, he spotted a tiny vial of the stuff on one of the shelves. Gleefully he reached out for it, but just as he was about to pick it up, someone else's hand collided with his own.

"Ah!" Xander exclaimed, surprised. The vial of asliwyle teetered for a moment and would have crashed to the floor, but he managed to catch it just in time. "Whew!" he said, and turned to look at the man who startled him.

The man was a bit older than he was - Xander pegged him to be in his late twenties, early thirties, with long black hair that curled a tiny bit at the ends. He was pale and looked extremely tired.

"Sorry about that," Xander said, smiling. He glanced at the shelf, but didn't see any more vials of asliwyle. His brow furrowed a little and he suggested, "I think this is the last of the stuff, but I only need a pinch of it. Want to just split it?"

"That's acceptable," the man said.

They paid for it together, then found a second glass vial and divided the asliwyle evenly.

"Well, that's it for me," Xander said. "What's your name, by the way?"

"Snape," the man replied, giving him a measuring look. "Severus Snape."

Xander grinned. "Xander Harris. I'll be seeing you around."

With that parting line, he turned around and left the man staring after him. It was all Xander could do not to grin; if his mind's eye had anything to say about it, he'd be seeing a lot more of the man than that.

o


	3. Yin and Yang 02

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 2: Yin and Yang (2)

o

I was young when it first happened. I truly had no idea what was going on. But if I had, I wouldn't be here today.

I was possessed by a hyena, you see. On a trip to the zoo with four other kids, it entered my body and took control of my mind. It made me say things, do things, which hurt a lot of people. Giles, Willow, and Buffy exorcised it, but they didn't destroy it. They just put me back in control of my mind, and the hyena has been with me, caged and snarling, ever since.

After that, things started to happen. Or, perhaps I should say, I started to see them happening. They'd always been there, and I was just starting to tap the surface. There were energies flying around, bright golden energies, and they shimmered in the air and flitted to and fro. They weren't auras, and I didn't understand. Something told me, though, that if the need was great enough, I could affect those energies.

The night the Master killed Buffy, the need was great.

I brought her back from the dead, you see.

Sure, it was a simple matter of CPR, but Buffy had been prophesied to die in that forsaken cave. She was supposed to die. I brought her back. And, for the first time in history, there were two Slayers.

Both Buffy and Kendra were inherently good. That, of course, was the problem. There was no balance.

So Kendra died, and Faith came into play.

By then, I'd been possessed a second time. There was a soldier in my head, courtesy of Ethan Rayne. A soldier who gave everything he had to protect the people around him. He may have been cold, but his intent was there.

The Soldier and the Beast.

The Light and the Dark.

And before I knew it, a second change came over me. Not only could I __see__ the golden energies of change around me, but I could see the effects, the balance, as well. The Yin and the Yang. I couldn't act in ignorance anymore, not when I knew of the consequences.

So there were two Slayers, and as much as Buffy would be loath to admit it, they balanced. One good, one evil, and that was that.

I remained unchanged, for the most part. Buffy needed her shoulder to cry on, Willow needed her Xander-shaped friend, and Giles... well, Giles needed his jelly donuts. So when I saw the golden energies of change around me, saw what those changes would lead to, I just... ignored them. I couldn't change because I was needed the way I was.

I didn't know it then, but I was on the path to becoming the Shadow.

Years on the Hellmouth, years of resisting the change, and all of the sudden, BAM! I saw the choice; I saw myself lose my eye to Caleb, and yet I couldn't change this. Because after studying the balance for so long and acting accordingly, I saw what would happen to me if I accepted that change.

It was a final test. I passed, minus one eye, with flying colors.

I became what I am today. The Shadow. The Balance.

I exist outside the physical and spiritual laws of both God and man.

But the kicker here, the cosmic "fuck you", is that it doesn't matter. This gift of mine isn't something I can prove to anyone who asks. It's not even something that everyday people would notice. To the rest of the world, I am steady, unchanging. I have no special powers, no witchcraft, no demons, no gifts. To the rest of the world, I am Xander Harris.

However, to the strands of Time, to the winds of Fate, I am the Shadow. I am the Balance.

I fight to keep that balance.

o


	4. Making New Enemies

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 3: Making New Enemies

o

Sighing, Xander flopped onto his bed and stared forlornly at the ceiling. When he'd gotten back from Diagon Alley, Giles had been both shocked and thrilled to find that Xander had gotten all of the magical ingredients. He'd stared at the bags that Xander had found for him and at the three thousand dollars Xander hadn't spent, and he'd __demanded__ to know where Xander had gotten everything so cheap.

The dark-haired man had shrugged it off, saying that he'd run into a group of Neo-Wiccans who'd been kind enough to show him where all the shops were, and because they'd introduced Xander to all the shopkeepers, he'd gotten a good discount. Thankfully, Giles had bought it.

It had been a week since that day, and he hadn't been able to sneak off again because Willow kept trying all sorts of spells on him, to no effect. He much preferred the spells he was learning from the books he'd bought; at least __those__ spells didn't involve him drinking some of the foulest mixtures his redheaded friend could come up with, and he didn't doubt for a moment that some nasty ingredients he'd brought back were in them.

On the upside, when he retired to his room at night and read his books and practiced the spells, he truly felt at peace. He was learning, and the wand he'd bought felt at home in his hand.

The next day, though, he was more than relieved when Giles told him he could take a break from everything and spend the day exploring London. He'd jumped on the opportunity, thanked Giles, and had been out of the room before the Watcher even had time to blink.

With a quick stop off in his own room, he tossed his spare Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts into a backpack, along with his robe and his wand. When he was a safe distance from the house, he pulled the robe on and ran to catch the next bus to London. Forty-five minutes later, he found himself inside the Leaky Cauldron, scanning the crowd for Severus Snape.

Sighing, he ordered himself a butterbeer, a drink that the bartender had recommended to him, and groaned. After all, what were the chances that Snape would be here? He had no idea of the other man's habits, and perhaps their meeting in Diagon Alley had just been a fluke.

Hesitantly, he reached out with his mind's eye. He could find Snape, but there would be a balance to pay. He didn't quite know why, but he decided it was worth it.

Slowly he became aware of two men talking in the corner. He studied them - the first man was a giant, even by Hellmouth standards, and the second was just as imposing; his crooked nose looked like it had been broken several times. Careful not to reveal himself, he strained to hear their conversation.

"... s'only fair, Moody. Professor Dumbledore can' act directly. Y'know __that__." The giant slipped a little flask out of his pocket and took a sip.

Moody stole the flask and took a long sip. "I do know it, Hagrid. But __you__ know __me__. I don't like just... waiting like this. All these Death Eaters around, y'know. If only the Ministry would pull an inspection! All they'd need to do is pull their sleeve back and reveal the Dark Mark and that would be proof enough for __anyone__."

He sighed and took another sip from the flask, "How long are you here for, anyway?"

"Supposed ter meet Severus in 'bout, oh, quarter of an hour I'd say."

Xander's ears perked a little. He gave a tiny push with his mind.

Moody promptly asked, "Where you meetin' him again?"

The look Hagrid gave his friend said he clearly thought Moody had had too much to drink. "Diagon Alley, near Gringotts. I tol' yeh that!"

Having heard what he wanted, Xander slipped out of his seat and headed for the back entrance.

o

It wasn't hard for Xander to locate Snape. In fact, there was a small crowd gathering around both Severus and a blonde-haired man who Xander had never seen before. The blonde seemed to be threatening Snape, and Xander's eye strayed to the man's wand.

This was the balance, then. He nodded, understanding and accepting at the same time. He had caused this - he would deal with it.

The dark-haired man quickly assessed the situation, trying to decide what to do. An idea struck him and he grinned to himself. He stumbled forward, arms failing, and knocked into the blonde-haired man clumsily.

There was a poignant pause as Xander hauled himself up, picking up the two broken pieces of the man's wand. He flushed, rubbing the back of his head, and he held the wand out. "Oh, hey," he said, "I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean to break your... um... stick?"

Lucius Malfoy stared at the __boy__ in front of him, his anger visible. _/How _dare_ he?/_

Xander took Lucius' hand, placing the broken wand in his palm. He __felt__ the power emanating from the man's wrist, saw a ghostly black cord that led from the mark off, and realized that this must be the Dark Mark he'd heard Hagrid and Moody discussing. He hesitated, and his fingers gently caressed the sleeve covering the mark. Leaning in close so that only Lucius would hear him, he whispered, "I __am__ sorry about that. But if you care to fight, I suggest you set a time and a place that isn't so public, because I doubt you'll like the results." With that, he reached out with his mind and gently tugged the line of power.

Lucius gasped, pulling away and cradling his hand. He stared at Xander with a mixture of awe and fear, and without a word, he turned on his heel and retreated. His men followed.

Smiling, Xander turned back and saw Severus giving him a funny look.

"What did you do?" Snape asked suspiciously

Xander grinned and laughed, a truly wicked thought coming to his mind. "I asked him how much he'd pay for a blowjob." He proceeded to turn his most wanton, sultry expression on the older man, who blushed furiously and looked away.

Behind him, he head Hagrid grawf and wheeze, "'I didn't mean ter break yer stick!' Blimey, priceless!" The giant was laughing so hard that tears streamed down his face. "Oh, I've got ter tell Professor Dumbledore about that. Priceless!"

He turned his gaze on Xander and said, "I'm sure he'd want ter meet'cha. If yeh don' mind, he'll prolly send a letter to yeh by owl invitin' yeh to visit our Hogwarts. I'm Hagrid, by the way. Groundskeeper there."

"I'd like that __very__ much, Hagrid. Thank you."

With a nod, Hagrid turned and walked away. Snape stayed behind for a moment, still studying Xander, and finally said, "Oh, Alexander?"

"Yeah, Mr. Snape?"

"At least a hundred Galleons."

Xander blinked at Snape's tight smile. He then remembered what he'd told Snape he'd said to the blonde man and laughed. He stared into the other man's surprised eyes and teased, "Make it two hundred and you have yourself a deal."

Without missing a beat, Snape leaned over and whispered softly in his ear. Then he turned to follow Hagrid, leaving a startled Xander behind. The dark-haired man shook his head. _/Naw,/_ he thought to himself, _/That couldn't be right./_

Because what Snape had whispered to him had sounded a lot like, "Two hundred it is. I'll be seeing you at Hogwarts, Alexander."

o


	5. Yin and Yang 03

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 4: Yin and Yang (3)

o

Right and wrong. Top and bottom. Forward and back.

The balance is a part of all things.

Many people have spoken of it, have studied it. The laws of man, the laws of nature, the laws of God - this is truth, and has been accepted as such, even though many will find one way or another to argue it.

Some say that there is no order. They say that only chaos, anarchy, is real.

It's laughable, but they say it nonetheless.

How can chaos exist without order? How can order control without chaos? This is balance. This is truth. Surely, they must admit, even if they refuse to accept the reality of order outside of chaos, that there __is__ order __inside__ of chaos. There is a pattern in random. There is a grain of truth in every lie.

You know that saying, opposites attract.

Or how about, there's a fine line between love and hate.

Ever notice how when you're so close to death, you've never felt so alive.

Different concept, same principle.

The kicker is, whether you choose to walk the straight path or to come full circle, you're right back where you started.

Draw a straight line. At one end of the line make a mark and label it "Perfect." At the other end of the line, make another mark and label it "Imperfect." Now, you'd think that these two points are the farthest from one another as you can get. However, bend that line, connect those two ends, and in reality, that which is most perfect and that which is least perfect are one and the same.

Full circle.

"An object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force," or so they say.

But I am the Shadow.

I am both the object and the force.

I control myself.

o


	6. Love at First Sight

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 5: Love at First Sight

o

Xander cleared his throat, holding the letter that had arrived by owl that morning. Professor Dumbledore, the man Xander had read was the Headmaster of Hogwarts, had done just as Hagrid said he would. The invitation in his hands excited and worried him at the same time.

After his time in the mansion, he'd finally come up with a way to navigate around the house. It wasn't foolproof, and he still got lost every so often, but for the most part he could find the room he wanted in about five minutes.

The dark-haired man stood outside of the library and took a deep breath. He opened the doors.

Giles continued to read. Willow glanced up at him, and the redhead grinned, "Hey, Xan! Guess what!"

"What?" he asked, knowing full well the type of danger he was in when Willow smiled at him like that.

"Well," she took a deep breath and launched into full babble-mode, "We've found this great spell that might fix your eye, but it's going to take, like, a week to prepare, and the books are pretty clear that the recipient of the spell can't be __anywhere__ near the spell or the spell casters until the time of the ritual, so Giles and I were wondering if you'd mind staying at your mansion, I mean, the house that the Council provided for you, until we're ready to try the spell!"

It took Xander a few moments to fully process everything she'd said. Sometimes Willow-babble was too much, even for him. Not for the first time, he wondered if she was descended from some sort of demon that didn't need to breathe.

"So," he replied finally, "basically you want me out of the mansion for about a week."

"Yup!" she responded, clearly believing that he would be willing to do anything to get his eye back.

Giles' nose hadn't moved from the book throughout the conversation. Xander wondered if the older man even knew he was there. For people so hell bent on helping him, would it be too much if they tried to think about his feelings for once? What Willow was asking him, when it all boiled down, was to isolate himself from the only two people he really knew in all of England.

Hell, if Dumbledore hadn't invited him to Hogwarts, he'd be a recluse!

Sighing, he said, "Does it really matter where I stay, so long as it's not here?"

Looking puzzled, Willow responded, "Um... well... not really. Was there someplace you wanted to go?"

"Yeah," he said, turning to walk out the door. "I'm looking at a school here. I'll visit them."

"Oh, okay!" The redhead went back to her work cheerfully.

o

The first thing Xander noticed about Hogwarts was the building itself. It was __beautiful__. From a carpenter's point of view, he could appreciate the work and love that had gone into creating the building, and as Hagrid led him through the corridors, he paused and laid his hands against the ancient, stone wall.

"You're gorgeous," he whispered, ignoring Hagrid's impatience and the curious stares he got from passing students. "I mean it - you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Whoever made you, beauty, loved you very much. I can tell."

The wall shifted a little, and Xander stepped back, blinking. /Huh,/ he thought, as the wall moved marginally from side to side. The grating noise the floor made when the stones scraped against one another sounded suspiciously like... purring.

Delighted, he placed his hand on the wall again, whispering sweet nothings to it. He told the building how its architecture was pure poetry, its arches more lovely than those of any building he'd ever seen before. He said that the building's smooth marble and stone surface was full of life, that the delicate windows were like the work of the Master Artist, Da Vinci, the spiraling staircases were like the haunting tunes of Mozart. He laughed, his hands caressing the stone like one would touch a priceless piece of art, or perhaps a lover. He was reverent, respectful, and more than just a little charming.

Hagrid was getting very impatient, and he said, "Yeh done yet, Xander?"

"Don't mind him, beauty," Xander whispered conspiritorially. "I have to see Dumbledore, now, but when I'm done, I'll come and see you again." With that, he gently kissed the wall.

Every window in the place flew open and the sound of the breeze, reminiscent of a soft sigh, filled the classrooms.

After only ten minutes in Hogwarts, Xander Harris could boast of something that no one else had ever accomplished. After a mere ten minutes, the building was quite thoroughly and totally smitten.

o

Professor Albus Dumbledore blinked when the door to his office opened of its own accord. He had been expecting Xander Harris, but that particular door was under his own spell and should not open unless he ordered it to.

The room's most comfortable chair, Dumbledore's own, tilted from beneath him and dumped him on the floor. It slid up next to Xander and bumped him insistently in the leg until he finally sat down.

The young man rubbed his head and said, "Um. Sorry about your chair."

"No problem at all, Alexander." Dumbledore fetched the chair reserved for visitors and gingerly sat on it.

"I ain't never seen anythin' like it, Professor," Hagrid exclaimed, and he explained that instead of having to go to the stairway to get to the second floor, the stairway had come to __them__.

"Very interesting. You do seem to inspire loyalty, don't you," Albus said finally, smiling as he stroked a hand through his beard.

Xander flushed and looked at the floor.

"At any rate, Hagrid told me what happened with Lucius Malfoy's wand, and I thought it would be only right to invite you to Hogwarts for a visit. Perhaps you would even be interested in attending a set of our classes in your time here. Would you agree to visiting us for perhaps a week?" Dumbledore's smile showed he knew a lot more than Xander originally thought.

"I'd love to," the dark-haired man said with a smile.

"Excellent. Settle yourself in tonight, and tomorrow you can experience your first day of classes."

o

The next day was a long one for Xander. He was __way__ too old to be a student there, and it rather bothered him how everyone __stared__ at him. Just because he was old and had an eye-patch didn't mean he was some sort of freak. On the plus side though, he'd seen Snape around the castle and had continued throwing innuendoes at the man. Each time, Snape blushed bright red then made an excuse to leave.

He replayed one of the exchanges in his head with a grin.

_/Snape stared at him after a particularly flirtatious comment and muttered, "You're asking for trouble, Alexander."_

_"Don't spank me too hard," Xander laughed, "I bruise easily."_

_The older man blushed, spluttered, and walked away. /_

That had made Xander feel a little bit better.

Defense Against the Dark Arts had been his first class. It sounded simple enough, until of course the Professor, the man Xander had seen with Hagrid, had decided to test them with a boggart - a creature that supposedly turned itself into whatever a person feared most. They were supposed to wave their wands at it and mumble some sort of gibberish, but when it had been his turn and the boggart had transformed itself into a vampire wearing Xander's __own__ face, he'd just panicked and staked it.

__That__ had freaked the students out, and he'd gotten all sorts of nasty goo all over him. Then Moody had asked him what he'd do if confronted by other sorts of demons, and he'd responded honestly, "Stake it, cut its head off with an axe, burn it alive, and if it's still coming, make a strategic retreat until I can think of a better plan."

Moody had stared at him and asked, "Does that usually work?"

"I'm still here, aren't I?"

His second class hadn't gone much better. Hagrid taught Care of Magical Creatures and had tried to tell him that all of the creatures introduced to the class were perfectly harmless. Xander had asked if it was okay if he killed them. Stunned, Hagrid answered, "No."

"In that case," Xander responded, sounded slightly hysterical, "I will __not__ be going anywhere near those... __things__." And that had been that.

Transfiguration, his third class, had been a close call. First, the teacher, Professor McGonagall, had insisted he change one of the chairs into a hamster, and he'd adamantly refused, saying he would never do __anything__ to change anything that was a part of Hogwarts. The windows had blown open again, and one of the curtains had playfully reached over to caress his face.

Again, he'd managed to freak the class out.

Then the Professor suggested he try something more advanced and change his own body into that of an animal. That had prompted him to take a step away from her and shake his head fiercely from side-to-side. When she'd asked why he refused, he'd explained, "Look, lady, I've been possessed a couple of times and I don't feel like pressing my luck and taking on the physical form, too."

He'd been excluded from the rest of the class' activities.

By the time his fourth class had rolled around, Xander was walking a fine line. Divinations hadn't been all that bad, and the class had actually gotten a kick out of his questions: "What's the value of my Star Trek plate collection going to be in ten years? Oh! Will I win the lottery? Hey, what's for lunch next Tuesday?"

Madame Trelawney had given him the evil eye, told him he should take his inner eye more seriously - he'd laughed at that - and predicted his impending doom and something about "the grim."

There was a short break between classes, and surprisingly Xander ran into Snape. Before he knew it, the older man had grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the nearest closet.

Severus waved a hand at the door, murmuring a few words that Xander actually recognized - a simple locking spell. The half-crazed look in the other man's eyes should have warned him, and before Xander knew what was happening, Snape was kissing him. He pulled back for a moment, panting.

"Damn your mouth," Severus said, tangling his fingers in Xander's hair, and he kissed him again.

"Damn my mouth," Xander agreed as he helped the other man slip out of his robe. Softly, teasing, he kissed a path down the older man's chest, his tongue darting out when he reached Severus' thigh.

"God," Snape muttered, his hands moving to guide the younger man. And then he didn't say anything, because he couldn't find the will to breathe.

o

Snape pulled his robe back on, and Xander watched him with a smile.

The smile was wiped cleanly off his face when the older man dropped a heavy pouch on the floor. It clinked when Xander picked it up, and he blinked stupidly. Somehow he __knew__ that if he took the time to count it, he'd find two hundred Galleons.

"So, that's it?" he asked bitterly.

"Not quite, Alexander. You still have one more class to attend."

"What's that?"

"Potions. Oh," he paused, "While in class, please, refer to me as Professor. I don't want you to set a bad example for the students."

Snape turned on his heel and left in a swirl of black robes, his wry smile etched in Xander's mind. The dark-haired man bit his lip, forcing the tears away. His eye narrowed abruptly.

_/If that's the way Snape wants to play, that's just __fine__ by me./  
_

o


	7. Yin and Yang 04

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 6: Yin and Yang (4)

o

The Shadow is a curious idea. I suppose I'm a curious enough being that it doesn't matter.

But, basically, it comes down to this: to be neither light nor dark, to act outside the balance but maintain the balance's order, all leads to the same idea. I am my own master. I am my own fate.

This may sound suspiciously like "choice," but it's not. Choice is blind and ignorant. To freely choose one thing or another, you must have no knowledge of what the consequences will be.

Humanity was given the gift of choice. This is balance. It was given with intent, but it must be used in ignorance.

It's a shame that humans don't realize where it came from.

Angels have no souls, you know.

They are perfect beings, the divine embodiment of light and those who carry out the will of God, but they have no souls.

This is balance, because God's soul is overwhelming in its capacity. Of course, his angels have none. The rich and the poor. To be and to be without.

Lucifer was an angel who loved God with all of his heart. He was cast out of heaven. He was the only angel with a soul, and he poured it into his own creations. Demons have souls, you see. Every demon has a piece of what made Lucifer God's favorite angel. Ironic, but then the balance usually is.

Lucifer no longer has a soul, you see. He used it all up.

The Yin and the Yang, the same, but so very different. The perfect pair of opposites- black and white.

This is balance. This is order and chaos combined.

Simply put - this is.

But have you ever asked if either of them is happy?

No?

Didn't think so.

o


	8. Double Standard

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 7: Double Standard

o

"You're late," Snape said as the door opened and Xander stepped in.

"Sorry, __Professor__," Xander replied softly.

The older man gave him a curious look as the dark-haired man took a seat. "See that it doesn't happen again."

"__It__ won't." Xander was satisfied to see Severus' jaw clench.

Turning to the rest of the class, he said, "All of you are first-years, here, except of course for our __guest__, Mr. Harris. You are here to learn the subtle science of potion making. This is an art form; it is both difficult and exact, and I don't expect many of you will be able to master it. But I __will__ teach you and you will learn enough to hopefully not make complete fools of yourselves."

Snape gestured to the board and a list of instructions. "That," he said, "is what you will do to make a simple potion to cure boils. Everyone but Mr. Harris may begin."

Xander felt his stomach turn, and he waited expectantly for Snape to explain what he would be doing.

Without hesitation, the older man dropped a scroll onto the desk and said, "As you're older, I thought you might like to try something more... advanced."

Feeling lost, the dark-haired man began to read through the scroll, the sinking feeling in his gut increasing when he realized that the potion Snape wanted him to make was far more complex than anything he'd read about in any of the books he'd bought. It was almost as though the teacher was __trying__ to make him fail.

_/Of course./_ Xander snorted. _/He __is__ trying to make me screw up. Figures./_

Without any preamble, Xander began to work. He'd be damned if he'd let the older man intimidate him.

For the most part, Snape left him alone during the class. He had his hands full of first-years making silly mistakes, which was only natural. Even a simple potion like the one they were working on still required __exact__ precision, and most of the kids were only eleven years old and were still developing their coordination.

One boy managed to create a vile concoction that ate through the table and burned his hands on it. He was immediately sent to the hospital wing. Another boy was a complete klutz and kept breaking his glass vials, and worse, one of the girls seemed to be unable to follow instructions and cried, loudly, every time she messed up.

It was difficult for Xander to focus with so many distractions, but he kept remembering Snape's wry smile and cruel words and vowed to himself that he'd wipe the smirk off the older man's face.

The class finished sometime later and was dismissed; however, Xander wasn't nearly done with his potion and opted to stay. He sat through two more classes, second-years and fifth-years, and towards the end of the class, he was almost positive that he'd finally succeeded.

Snape, who'd been watching him through narrowed eyes, seemed to sense this, and called the classes attention to Xander's potion.

"Mr. Harris," he said with that damnable smile, "has been working on a potion all day - one that should have only taken him about an hour to complete."

Xander bit his tongue. He'd never made a potion before in his life; he thought it was only fair he had extra time to do it. Beyond that, halfway through, he'd realized that most of the ingredients were __extremely__ dangerous and he decided to slow down and be more careful with them.

The Professor continued, "The real question," he told the fifth-years, "is whether or not he got it right."

Remembering the deadly nature of the ingredients, Xander said snidely, "Well, I don't know, __Professor__. Maybe you'd like to take a sip and find out."

_/I hope you choke on it, bastard./_

Snape gave him a reproving glare and shook his head. "I think not. Though I doubt you got it right, there is a very slim chance, and I'd rather not poison myself. The test, then."

Under the curious stares of students, the older man took one of the potted plants from the window and placed it on Xander's desk. Their eyes met and the dark-haired man resisted the urge to stick his tongue out.

Using a goblet to carefully collect some of the potion, Snape poured a single drop onto the plant. Nothing happened.

"Well," Snape drawled, "It seems that you've fail-"

The leaves of the plant turned black, and the blackness spread down through the stem and to the roots. Even as it wilted, the pot itself shattered, and the dirt began to eat a hole through Xander's desk. Surprised, both of them took a step back, and some of the dirt fell to the floor and began to eat away at the stone tiles.

"You were saying?" Xander asked.

Severus, for his part, looked stunned.

Without a word, the dark-haired man pulled out his wand and whispered one of the spells he'd studied. A tiny storm cloud appeared over the desk, and the water diluted the contaminated dirt.

Satisfied that his potion wasn't damaging the building anymore, Xander turned on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving a shocked Professor and a curious class in his wake.

o

Xander heard footsteps following him, but he didn't slow down.

"Wait!"

Groaning, the dark-haired man paused, turned around, and leveled a glare of his own at Severus.

The older man swallowed and looked uncomfortable. Finally he asked, "How are you, Alexander?"

"Inside down and upside out, __sir__." Xander stressed the last syllable bitterly.

"What does __that__ mean?"

"It means," Xander glanced around, making sure that the hall was empty, "That all of this is ass backwards, Severus. We fucked, and __you__ blew me off like I was some kind of __whore__."

Snape opened his mouth to protest, but Xander continued relentlessly, "I may have teased you, but at least my intentions were good. That little stunt you pulled back there... I'm not dumb, you know. That was probably the most difficult potion you could come up with, and then you had the audacity to __announce__ it!"

"I-"

The dark-haired man cut him off, "__You__ wanted to __humiliate__ me in front of a class of fifteen-year-olds just because you __could__. And, contrary to popular belief, I'm __not__ a freakin' doormat, so fuck you and your Goddamned mind games, 'cause I'm not a student here. I came here because I wanted to, and now I'm leaving because I want to."

He paused, breathing heavily, and hissed, "The only thing this whole fucking school has going for it is the building itself, and screw you, 'cause the building is the __only__ thing I'm going to miss."

With that parting line, Xander turned around and stormed off.

Eyes wide, Snape stared after him. He hadn't... he'd known that he'd injured the boy's pride, but he hadn't realized how deep that injury ran. He bit his lip, knowing that he should follow Xander, but he was unwilling to face up to the heated wrath he knew he deserved.

_/I didn't... I thought he was just playing with me./_

All of the boy's teasing looks, all of the innuendoes, had convinced him of that. Severus' heart had been played with before. His feelings had been his downfall, and he'd vowed that no one would get close enough to tear him apart like that again.

_/I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to fall in love./_

"Too late," he muttered softly to himself.

One of the walls shifted marginally, angling towards him. It shifted a second time, beckoning.

Snape understood completely. He walked over to the wall, laid his hands on the cool stone, and proceeded to bang his head against it. Each hit was punctuated with his words - "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

He felt the floor beneath his feet shudder, and somehow he knew that Hogwarts agreed completely.

o


	9. Yin and Yang 05

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 8: Yin and Yang (5)

o

For every action, there is a reaction. For every cause, there is an effect.

Sometimes we forget that.

I am the Shadow. I should have known better.

There is, was, and always will be a price to pay.

Balance works in so many ways. I know. I can see it.

But sometimes I forget, too.

I think that God was right to give humanity the gift of choice.

I think His only mistake was to give us the ability to express it.

I think... that sometimes we lose ourselves in the sound of our own voices.

Really, if you look at it, in the sound of our own words.

I used to argue that no words are our own. They were created so long ago, handed down through history in the tradition of language, made by people whose names we don't even have the decency to __remember__.

Over time, I've come to revise this opinion.

We speak the words, we let them flow, but we never really know what they mean.

Writers make them sound good. They put them together in such a way that tugs at our souls.

It's said that writers give the words life.

I disagree.

Everything that we say has been said before. These words have been spoken by the millions who came before us.

Over time, I've come to revise this opinion.

Some say words are just words. Some say actions speak louder.

I argue that we say these things, these words, because they were meant for us.

People don't really think before they speak anymore. The words they use are on the tips of their tongues. They don't pause to revise them.

These are not words. These are the words that we were __meant__ to say. They've been here all along.

I suppose it all comes down to speaking them. That's where we lose ourselves.

In our voices. In our words.

I am the Shadow. I should have known better.

But in the end, I suppose, I am only human, too.

o


	10. Making Old Enemies

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 9: Making Old Friends

o

Somehow he found himself in the Leaky Cauldron, and while not his first choice, Xander believed drinking himself stupid was as good a pastime as any. He'd dumped a handful of Galleons in the bartender's hand and informed the stunned man that as long as the drinks were strong and kept coming, he didn't care what they were.

The man hadn't disappointed him.

It was getting late, and the Leaky Cauldron was empty. In a way, he was grateful; he didn't like people to see him like this. On the other hand, he'd never felt more alone in his life.

He felt someone staring at him, and without looking up from his drink, he sighed, "Is there something I can help you with?"

"Not really," came the amused response.

The blonde man whose wand he'd broken slid onto the barstool next to his. He hailed the bartender and ordered a drink.

His smile was all teeth as he said, "We didn't exactly get a proper introduction last time we met. I'm Lucius Malfoy."

"Xander Harris. The pleasure's all yours."

"Hm." Lucius took a sip of his drink. "I don't suppose you'd care to tell me how you did it." He indicated his arm where the Dark Mark was hidden.

"No," Xander responded sullenly.

Still smiling, Lucius coaxed, "Then perhaps you'll tell me why you're sitting here drinking yourself to death."

The dark-haired man snorted. "'Cause I got nothin' better to do."

"Hm. Is that the only reason?" Blue eyes studied one visible bloodshot eye intently, and noted that a bruise was just beginning to form on Xander's face.

Noting the man's interest, Xander tried to explain, "I walked into a series of doors, or one door repeatedly. It depends on which door you ask." Seeing Lucius' confusion, he elaborated, "Hogwarts didn't want me to leave. She kept slamming doors shut in my face, but when she realized she hurt me, she relented."

"Curious. The question remains, though."

"Which one?"

"Both."

Rather than answer directly, the dark-haired man stared blankly and the wall and asked, "Have you ever heard of the Shadow?"

"I don't see how this answers either of your questions," Lucius said, "But, yes. I have heard of the Shadow. Legends, mostly... the Shadow is supposedly the keeper of the divine balance, able to act outside of the theorized laws of balance to change the course of history. There isn't much documentation, but supposedly if the Shadow decides to change something, there is no power on this earth nor in heaven who can stop it." The blonde sighed, pushing a bit of hair out of his face and continued, "No one knows the true extent of that power, and as far as I know, no one has ever met one."

"You're looking at one, if it helps put things in context."

Lucius' glass dropped from numb fingers and shattered on the ground. He stared at Xander, then at his Mark, his jaw flapping comically.

Ignoring the effect of his words, Xander continued, "As for why I'm here... let's just say I have terrible taste in men."

Pausing only to sip his drink, Xander proceeded to tell Lucius how he came to Hogwarts, his bizarre relationship with Severus Snape, and his final conversation after the Potions Professor had tried to humiliate him.

Confused, Lucius finally asked, "Why are you telling me all of this?"

Xander looked up and Lucius met two pools of pain, nearly black. For a moment, the dark-haired man seemed to be something more, something that had no place on the mortal plane. Then Xander blinked and the moment was broken. Suddenly he was just a boy again, a single tear streaking his face.

The dark-haired man laughed, a bitter, broken sound, and said, "Because you're the only one who bothered to ask."

They sat in silence. Xander ordered another shot, as Lucius said, disbelievingly, "So, you mean to tell me that idiot, Snape, treated you, debatably one of the most powerful forces in existence like... like a cheap __whore__?"

"An expensive whore, actually," Xander said, a wry smile twisting his lips. He raised his glass in salute, downed it, and promptly passed out on the counter.

It was dark, cold, and raining. Under normal circumstances, he'd be in bed, under the covers where it was warm and comfortable. Of course, as the mattress of his bed had kept flipping him onto the floor every time he tried to close his eyes, that wasn't really an option.

He wanted to go after Xander; he really did. But he couldn't quite work up the nerve.

Hogwarts hadn't given him much choice in the matter, though. When he tried to sit down, the chairs bounced around like wild horses until he fell off. When he tried to go into the bathroom, the door kept slamming shut in his face. Moreover, on the few occasions he'd been dumb enough to walk on any of the carpets, said carpet would stealthily try to maneuver him to the entrance of the school.

Finally, he'd been so frustrated that he'd grabbed his cape and stormed out of the building. The Leaky Cauldron would still be open, and he figured a stiff drink could only help to improve his temperament.

That had been the plan until he'd seen Lucius Malfoy carrying an unconscious Xander over his shoulder like rag-doll. He'd tried to follow the blonde, but the other man had apparated out of sight.

It was nearly impossible to follow an apparating spell.

But then, Severus Snape was a persistent bastard.

o

Lucius Malfoy stared at the young man in his bed thoughtfully.

When he'd first met Xander, the boy had broken his wand. Lucius had killed men for less. And then the boy had touched his Mark, had burned him with his connection to the Dark Lord, a thing that no one but his Master should be able to do.

Impossible, but then, hadn't he believed that the legends about the Shadow were just as farfetched?

_/ Snape was a fool to let you go. Powerful __and__ beautiful. /_

Lucius smiled darkly, eyes hungrily roaming over the boy in his bed. Powerful and beautiful indeed.

Indulging a whim, he leaned over to gently kiss the boy's lips, and found himself staring into one wide eye.

"Why?" Xander asked, confused.

A good question. Lucius bit his lip and answered honestly, "Because you're not a whore."

"Show me," came the soft response, and the dark-haired man held his arms open.

o

After nearly two hours, Severus finally succeeded in tracing Lucius' spell. He wasted no time in apparating himself, and he hoped that he'd reach Xander in time.

The older man had a moment to take in his surroundings, the lush red carpet, the ornate mahogany dresser and matching desk, the heavy black curtains, the sinful king-sized bed, before he realized exactly where he was - the Malfoy residence, and undoubtedly, Lucius Malfoy's bedroom.

He'd speculated on several reasons why Lucius had taken Xander, but none of them prepared him for the sight that greeted his eyes. The blonde man was naked, curled around Xander's sleeping form. The bed's covers were draped lazily across them.

Anger took hold as he met a pair of smug, blue eyes. "What have you __done__ to him?" Severus demanded, his voice unsteady.

"What you should have done when you had the chance," Lucius replied, still smiling.

Xander stirred at the sound of their voices, and he made a tiny noise as he yawned. His visible eye was still glazed with sleep, and he mumbled, "Mm?"

"Shh," Lucius said softly, and to Snape's horror, the blonde gently ran a hand through Xander's hair. He turned his eyes back to the furious man and continued, "__You__ treated him like a whore. He gave himself to you and __you__ cheapened that act. He's with me now, where he belongs."

Snape clenched his fist. "He is __not__ yours."

"I made love to him with the respect he deserves." Lucius quirked his brow, amusement plain on his face. "You had your chance, Severus, and you wasted it. You didn't really think you could simply come after him, apologize, and forget about it, did you?"

The dark-haired man's expression clearly said that was exactly what he'd thought.

Lucius laughed as he gently untangled himself from Xander and stood up. "Please, Severus. Just leave and save yourself the embarrassment."

"You don't love him," Snape snapped back.

"Hm." Lucius' expression was thoughtful. "Perhaps not, but I believe in time I can. Time that I think I'll spend wooing him, as you should have done. I won't make your mistakes." The blonde's smile deepened. "I don't know that he would have come to me before, but now? I suppose I have to thank you for your stupidity."

Severus lifted his wand, so angry he couldn't see past the other man's knowing smirk.

"Adava Kedavra!" he hissed, knowing full well the punishment for using the forbidden killing curse. In that moment it didn't matter to him. He just wanted to wipe the damned smirk off Lucius' face.

The blonde man's eyes widened in surprise, and he flung his hands up to try to defend himself.

It didn't matter. The curse never reached its mark, because Xander stepped between them.

The curse hit the dark-haired man dead on, even as Severus let out a cry of denial.

Then Xander did something that had never been done before. The curse hit him, and he just shrugged it __off__.

The air around him seemed to shimmer, and he became. He was more than a mortal, more than a God. He wasn't simply power; he was __force__. He was every possibility of any reality, every "what if" that had been muttered. He was.

As he stared at them, his one visible eye a shadow of black, they saw him for what he truly was. In that moment, Xander Harris ceased to be.

The Shadow.

The Balance.

Both Lucius and Snape hit their knees at the same time.

o

Note: "I walked into a series of doors, or one door repeatedly. It depends on which door you ask," is a quote (slightly altered), from one my favorite authors, Robin Hobb and the stunningly well-written Assassins Trilogy. Simply amazing, and so I give credit to Robin, and mean no disrespect.

o


	11. Yin and Yang 06

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 7: Double Standard

o

"You're late," Snape said as the door opened and Xander stepped in.

"Sorry, __Professor__," Xander replied softly.

The older man gave him a curious look as the dark-haired man took a seat. "See that it doesn't happen again."

"__It__ won't." Xander was satisfied to see Severus' jaw clench.

Turning to the rest of the class, he said, "All of you are first-years, here, except of course for our __guest__, Mr. Harris. You are here to learn the subtle science of potion making. This is an art form; it is both difficult and exact, and I don't expect many of you will be able to master it. But I __will__ teach you and you will learn enough to hopefully not make complete fools of yourselves."

Snape gestured to the board and a list of instructions. "That," he said, "is what you will do to make a simple potion to cure boils. Everyone but Mr. Harris may begin."

Xander felt his stomach turn, and he waited expectantly for Snape to explain what he would be doing.

Without hesitation, the older man dropped a scroll onto the desk and said, "As you're older, I thought you might like to try something more... advanced."

Feeling lost, the dark-haired man began to read through the scroll, the sinking feeling in his gut increasing when he realized that the potion Snape wanted him to make was far more complex than anything he'd read about in any of the books he'd bought. It was almost as though the teacher was __trying__ to make him fail.

_/Of course./_ Xander snorted. _/He __is__ trying to make me screw up. Figures./_

Without any preamble, Xander began to work. He'd be damned if he'd let the older man intimidate him.

For the most part, Snape left him alone during the class. He had his hands full of first-years making silly mistakes, which was only natural. Even a simple potion like the one they were working on still required __exact__ precision, and most of the kids were only eleven years old and were still developing their coordination.

One boy managed to create a vile concoction that ate through the table and burned his hands on it. He was immediately sent to the hospital wing. Another boy was a complete klutz and kept breaking his glass vials, and worse, one of the girls seemed to be unable to follow instructions and cried, loudly, every time she messed up.

It was difficult for Xander to focus with so many distractions, but he kept remembering Snape's wry smile and cruel words and vowed to himself that he'd wipe the smirk off the older man's face.

The class finished sometime later and was dismissed; however, Xander wasn't nearly done with his potion and opted to stay. He sat through two more classes, second-years and fifth-years, and towards the end of the class, he was almost positive that he'd finally succeeded.

Snape, who'd been watching him through narrowed eyes, seemed to sense this, and called the classes attention to Xander's potion.

"Mr. Harris," he said with that damnable smile, "has been working on a potion all day - one that should have only taken him about an hour to complete."

Xander bit his tongue. He'd never made a potion before in his life; he thought it was only fair he had extra time to do it. Beyond that, halfway through, he'd realized that most of the ingredients were __extremely__ dangerous and he decided to slow down and be more careful with them.

The Professor continued, "The real question," he told the fifth-years, "is whether or not he got it right."

Remembering the deadly nature of the ingredients, Xander said snidely, "Well, I don't know, __Professor__. Maybe you'd like to take a sip and find out."

_/I hope you choke on it, bastard./_

Snape gave him a reproving glare and shook his head. "I think not. Though I doubt you got it right, there is a very slim chance, and I'd rather not poison myself. The test, then."

Under the curious stares of students, the older man took one of the potted plants from the window and placed it on Xander's desk. Their eyes met and the dark-haired man resisted the urge to stick his tongue out.

Using a goblet to carefully collect some of the potion, Snape poured a single drop onto the plant. Nothing happened.

"Well," Snape drawled, "It seems that you've fail-"

The leaves of the plant turned black, and the blackness spread down through the stem and to the roots. Even as it wilted, the pot itself shattered, and the dirt began to eat a hole through Xander's desk. Surprised, both of them took a step back, and some of the dirt fell to the floor and began to eat away at the stone tiles.

"You were saying?" Xander asked.

Severus, for his part, looked stunned.

Without a word, the dark-haired man pulled out his wand and whispered one of the spells he'd studied. A tiny storm cloud appeared over the desk, and the water diluted the contaminated dirt.

Satisfied that his potion wasn't damaging the building anymore, Xander turned on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving a shocked Professor and a curious class in his wake.

o

Xander heard footsteps following him, but he didn't slow down.

"Wait!"

Groaning, the dark-haired man paused, turned around, and leveled a glare of his own at Severus.

The older man swallowed and looked uncomfortable. Finally he asked, "How are you, Alexander?"

"Inside down and upside out, __sir__." Xander stressed the last syllable bitterly.

"What does __that__ mean?"

"It means," Xander glanced around, making sure that the hall was empty, "That all of this is ass backwards, Severus. We fucked, and __you__ blew me off like I was some kind of __whore__."

Snape opened his mouth to protest, but Xander continued relentlessly, "I may have teased you, but at least my intentions were good. That little stunt you pulled back there... I'm not dumb, you know. That was probably the most difficult potion you could come up with, and then you had the audacity to __announce__ it!"

"I-"

The dark-haired man cut him off, "__You__ wanted to __humiliate__ me in front of a class of fifteen-year-olds just because you __could__. And, contrary to popular belief, I'm __not__ a freakin' doormat, so fuck you and your Goddamned mind games, 'cause I'm not a student here. I came here because I wanted to, and now I'm leaving because I want to."

He paused, breathing heavily, and hissed, "The only thing this whole fucking school has going for it is the building itself, and screw you, 'cause the building is the __only__ thing I'm going to miss."

With that parting line, Xander turned around and stormed off.

Eyes wide, Snape stared after him. He hadn't... he'd known that he'd injured the boy's pride, but he hadn't realized how deep that injury ran. He bit his lip, knowing that he should follow Xander, but he was unwilling to face up to the heated wrath he knew he deserved.

_/I didn't... I thought he was just playing with me./_

All of the boy's teasing looks, all of the innuendoes, had convinced him of that. Severus' heart had been played with before. His feelings had been his downfall, and he'd vowed that no one would get close enough to tear him apart like that again.

_/I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to fall in love./_

"Too late," he muttered softly to himself.

One of the walls shifted marginally, angling towards him. It shifted a second time, beckoning.

Snape understood completely. He walked over to the wall, laid his hands on the cool stone, and proceeded to bang his head against it. Each hit was punctuated with his words - "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

He felt the floor beneath his feet shudder, and somehow he knew that Hogwarts agreed completely.

o


	12. An End to Solitude

Title: Inside Down, Upside Out

Author: Becka

Chapter 11: An End to Solitude

o

It was sometime later that Severus woke up. Wondering at his strange surroundings - a bedroom he'd never seen before - he sat up. Or tried to, anyway. Groaning, he sank back into the bed, wondering why he felt so very drained. All he remembered was going to look for...

_/Xander!/_

A string of memories hit him all at once: finding Lucius and Xander together in bed, the blonde man hurling accusations that were so true they hurt, casting the killing curse, _Adava Kedavra_, seeing Xander for who and what he truly was.

Overall, Snape felt rather... humbled.

However, it still didn't explain where he was or why he felt so tired. And speaking of Lucius... Snape turned his head to the side and wasn't surprised to find the blonde passed out on the bed next to him.

"You're awake."

Xander stood by the door, hands shyly behind his back. Severus hadn't even heard the door open.

"I... I'm sorry."

Uncomfortably, Xander walked over and sat on the corner of the bed. His voice was deliberately soft. "I'm not angry at you, Severus. This is my life. You hurt me. He saved me. The balance was there. I was just too blind to see it."

Swallowing, Snape asked hesitantly, "Who are you?"

The dark-haired man sighed, running a hand through his shaggy hair. "The Shadow. The Balance. If there are others like me, I don't know about them. I came into this... accidentally."

When the older man didn't say anything, Xander continued, "I'm not a super hero or anything like that. I don't even know what exactly I'm supposed to __do__. I guess... if I had to put it into words, I can make the impossible, possible. I can bend the rules." He snorted, "I can color outside the lines."

"Why?"

"Why what? Why am I the Shadow?"

Severus nodded.

"It was... an accident, really. I didn't know what was happening to me. I got possessed by a hyena-spirit, then by a soldier, and I didn't know what any of it __meant__. I just knew that something had changed. I guess there was one point where I had a choice in the matter... but I made my decision. I became the Shadow the day I lost my eye."

"What..."

"What does it mean? It means that I can see the balance. I can act on it." There was bitterness in the voice. "I can change the world."

"As for what this means for you and me... you won't like it. There is a balance, Sev. I shouldn't have gotten involved with you, but I did. I mean, I'm outside of the laws of balance, but you're not. And so, Lucius came into play. I can't be with you unless I can be with both of you. You... balance... one another. A good man who treated me with contempt. A bad man who treated me with kindness. The Yin and the Yang of my relationship."

"So I guess..." Xander smiled sadly. "I guess this is good-bye."

"I don't think I've ever heard such nonsense in my life."

Both Xander and Snape turned to stare at Lucius who was watching them intently through bright, blue eyes. He continued, "Do you __really__ think that Severus is __that__ much of an idiot to simply let you walk away again? I rather think he'd be honored to have both of us in his bed." Lucius smirked.

Xander burst out laughing. "You definitely know how to spoil the moment, don't you, Lu? Do they teach that at Evil Henchman Academy, or do all of your sort come equipped?"

Still grinning, the blonde answered, "I believe all evil men are tactless. With me, however, it's not a matter of having no tact. When I do it, it's called having __style__."

Even Severus had to laugh at that.

After their mirth died down, there was a moment of silence as the three men regarded one another. "So..." Xander finally said, the question evident in his voice, "Where does that leave us?"

Snape glanced at the dark-haired youth, then at the blonde. Apparently Lucius wanted him to answer.

"I suppose," he said slowly, "It leaves us in this bed, with an empty space between us waiting to be filled."

Eye wide, Xander stared at him, studying him intently. "Do you mean that?"

"Yes," they both answered simultaneously, then glared at each other.

The dark-haired man laughed, slipping into the space between them, letting their arms encircle him. Later he'd deal with Willow, Giles, Dumbledore, Hogwarts, and everyone else. For now... for now, what he had with these men, in this room, was more than enough.

After a while, almost as if realizing what everything that had happened implied, Severus looked at Xander. The wonder in his eyes was tangible. He hugged the dark-haired boy close and whispered, "Does anyone else know what you do?"

Laughing, Xander kissed his now-lover softly and replied, "Of course not, Sev. I can't let people know that. After all, what would the world do if it didn't have me to turn it upside out?"

o

fin

o


End file.
